Bouncing Back…

10/04/2013
Dear Blog
Its been a while since I put stuff here, I have been playing brave, leaving it stuck inside my poor head, but no more .
I left for Nigeria at the end of March to spend some time with my family and unfortunately my insecurities, doubts and drama followed suit .
Its meant to be short stay (2wks), however during a week and half I have managed to run into my old heartache, confront my fears and find out that they are still there.

The thing is, in Nigeria success is measured by how well you’ve played out the ‘script’. This script says, go to school, get a good job and get married: (that’s for a man), the woman’s script says get some education and get married possibly between the age of 21-28, however if you don’t have marriage, have a successful job.

…When I was little, I had my life planned out. I was going to become a Barrister, be married at 22 and be through with child bearing by 30. I would have 2 kids within that time.
Well I am 25 now but the only status I have acquired is a Barrister, who’s still ‘tiringly’ single. I know all of the above sounds pathetic, I used to think so too, especially after I found out that some one I loved so much, (who told me that his reason for breaking up with me was because I was too good for him and that he has commitment issues, is getting married (pretty soon) to some one else). So for 2days I sat and cried and was genuinely depressed. Simply because my scene is taking too long to be just perfect. I don’t have a Job or a man. But then I spoke with a friend of mine some minutes ago and she gave me a task to help me appreciate all I’ve got. She asked me to make a list of the things I feel I lack and do another list made up of things that I thank God for all the time. I have not done that yet, but I can honestly say that for the first time in days, I am actually excited. I can’t wait to start my list of ‘downs n ups’.

So if you are reading this and just maybe you feel like you have failed at achieving some label, society or you or your family has set, do join me. Draw up a list, starting with your ‘so called failures’(downs) and things that you are thankful for (ups), I bet it’d make a world of difference to you and me( I hope).

They say that there is a time for everything, I guess Its time to just sit back and appreciate what I have got, believing that what’s mine is mine and it will get to me when the time is right.
I hope it works out
Pax tecum

Getting the perfect family

A tribute to my family..

Family has been defined in various ways. It used to be a component made up of a father, mother, their kids and the extended relations of both parents. My definition adds friends that slowly won us over and became part of that part. We don’t get to pick our family members (except you are adopted), you get born into them. But you get to pick your friends and that’s what makes it so beautiful.
I have friends that have turned sisters and brothers, they have being there for me through thick n thin and they are full of surprises. I bet they have no idea how their actions affect me but I will always, always go on my knees and bless God for them. For you see, he has a grand plan, you may feel ‘like shit to your family’ but God provides this angels on the side to help keep you on the right track.
This post is a dedication to family, to its immediate members and to the acquired ones, love is best enjoyed when shared. My family, immediate, extended and acquired make me complete, I wouldn’t give them up for any reason. I am most grateful to God for his plans are beyond the physical.

Appreciate what you have because even in the darkest night, there is something to be grateful, I know this and I am glad that I’m on my way to being ok with his designs for me and my Family.

Musings…

Dear Blog,

I went to Church today and for the first time in weeks, I actually came home with something. The thing is I have been feeling so disconnected lately that attending service became a chore. But I prepared for today. I spent a good part of my evening yesterday praying that I make it to church and ignore how boring (sorry about that) service can be and just listen to the priest and I did and I am super proud of myself.

So, what I came away with is more like a prayer. I decided to post it here to signify my commitment to get somewhere with myself. This is not me being self-righteous, it’s just an acknowledgment that everything in life starts with a step. Either a step backwards or forward. Either way i’m hoping this would be a step forward.

So here it goes….

Christ has no body but yours,

No hands, no feet on earth but yours.

Yours are the eyes with which he looks compassion on the world,

Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,

Yours are the hands with which he blesses all the World.

Yours are the hands, yours are the feet, 

Yours are the eyes, you are his body,

Christ has no body now but yours,

No hands, no feet on earth but yours…Teresa of Avila (1515-1582).

I guess it says it all  

….pax tecum

Letting go…

I’ve being in a dilemma for 2 days and counting, unsure of what to do with myself. You see, i got a call at 4:35 a.m on Sunday morning that one of my best friends, my sister Susan was dead.
Nothing, absolutely nothing prepares you for the loss of someone so close, not even past deaths, i know this because i lost my Dad in 2003 and my younger sister in 1995. So i thought i was covered that i can actually let go but i find myself wondering if this is all a dream or a sick joke or something else, just not death!!!
….Its too final, you see, i never got the chance to say good-bye or tell my friend Susan how much i loved her…

I keep asking myself how to move on, its so unfair that all the plans we have would end up not coming to pass. Who would fill in the gaps for me, who will comfort your mum…i remember nights when she wouldn’t let us go out cos she wanted company, who will do this again…maybe i shouldn’t be doing this but celebrating your life at least i can move on, its what everyone says, so it might work.
I remeber the first time i saw you, it was at Regina Pacis, you resumed late. I remember thinking that has to be the skinniest kid i have ever seen….fast forward to 2005, we fell into each other’s parts at the University of Abuja and hit it off quickly. You see, Susan has to be one of the kindest persons i have ever met and know. She had a solution for everything, she was stubborn but stubborn for life and wouldn’t let it be taken away from her, this is why i’m still shocked at this news. I miss u my friend. You’ve left a vacum so large that i wonder if it’ll ever go away. To your loved ones, family and friends, Ada, Kene, Ifeoma,Joy, Memunant, Obi, Tony its is my prayer that we all find the heart to move on, we’ve lost a rare gem but God really does know best
So i thank you God for everything, for the gift of Su-su and like damita haddon sings, everything belongs to u, our hearts, minds, soul and lives. Do give us reason to believe this more than any and to come to terms with the fact that Su-su’s gone.
To my beautiful friend, like mum said, you struggled for too long to enjoy life but you are resting now…Rest peacefully..
We love and miss you dearly